why so tired, dear?

so the struggle with my disease rages on, as i have persistent headaches, a constant need for sleep, and pause for breath. with chronic anemia knocking at my door, it would seem that my body has advanced to a new stage of dysfunction and it warrants more intervention from those aiding in my attempts at balance! sure this is annoying but as soon as i want to feel frustrated about my new weekly schedule, i am reminded that i am here and i am able to fight. the team i work with and my body - we will prevail, never fear, as i will never wilt. i have a fire that burns fiercely inside of me. it is flickering ever so slightly right now, but it is begging to dance, to sing, to play, to learn, to create, to mother, to grow and grow and it will after i get some rest and re-juice. that fire will be stoked and come blazing back to it's intended force.

however, for now it means that i have to head back to the mcgee cancer center for weekly iron infusions and probably go under the knife again next year. the good news behind all of this is that it will be elective this time! hooray! is there a time when you celebrate intentional pain from surgery? in this case, yes! as when it is done i will likely not have a stricture any longer. i will no longer feel the stretching pain of my daily feasts passing through my body causing bleeding from a sore spot in my core, i will hopefully not need the iron as often and i will have more energy. all of this will be helpful as adding a third child to our lives will only increase my need for additional energy, and we are all so very excited about this child coming!

another plus is that i really do enjoy the women at mcgee. it is such a sad place but a place filled with hope and inspiration. the women chat about their experience losing their hair and the options facing them - will they have a prosthesis or will they have reconstructive surgery? i often sit in my little chair with a warm blanket draped over my cold body and wonder if this is all preparation for a day when i might receive the news that i have to start thinking about the same options and make my own decisions. there is a high rate of cancer in our family and i've always wondered if i were to get it, what kind would it be? as of now, i can say that i'd lop off the girls, remove the flower that produced my lovely and amazing kids and start the process of beginning my life reconstructed. i'd have the most amazing boobs money could buy! and i'd have a new lease on life.

in the mean time, i try to remember that i have this one disease to deal with for now, and managing that is enough. i find inspiration all around me. my wonderful husband, my amazing kids, the women at mcgee, my lovely friend charis, my parents, my grandparents who have passed, and from my new friend eva who has taught me that from her words written long before i read them that i can sustain and learn from a friendship that has been created by a bond unknown to her but appreciated by me who is still here reading her words. so today i raise my coffee cup to eva! i grab a love handle and shake my cellulite for eva! i revel in my cheesecake and pumpkin pie little body and use every bit of the energy that has been injected into my veins for eva!