why so tired, dear?

so the struggle with my disease rages on, as i have persistent headaches, a constant need for sleep, and pause for breath. with chronic anemia knocking at my door, it would seem that my body has advanced to a new stage of dysfunction and it warrants more intervention from those aiding in my attempts at balance! sure this is annoying but as soon as i want to feel frustrated about my new weekly schedule, i am reminded that i am here and i am able to fight. the team i work with and my body - we will prevail, never fear, as i will never wilt. i have a fire that burns fiercely inside of me. it is flickering ever so slightly right now, but it is begging to dance, to sing, to play, to learn, to create, to mother, to grow and grow and it will after i get some rest and re-juice. that fire will be stoked and come blazing back to it's intended force.

however, for now it means that i have to head back to the mcgee cancer center for weekly iron infusions and probably go under the knife again next year. the good news behind all of this is that it will be elective this time! hooray! is there a time when you celebrate intentional pain from surgery? in this case, yes! as when it is done i will likely not have a stricture any longer. i will no longer feel the stretching pain of my daily feasts passing through my body causing bleeding from a sore spot in my core, i will hopefully not need the iron as often and i will have more energy. all of this will be helpful as adding a third child to our lives will only increase my need for additional energy, and we are all so very excited about this child coming!

another plus is that i really do enjoy the women at mcgee. it is such a sad place but a place filled with hope and inspiration. the women chat about their experience losing their hair and the options facing them - will they have a prosthesis or will they have reconstructive surgery? i often sit in my little chair with a warm blanket draped over my cold body and wonder if this is all preparation for a day when i might receive the news that i have to start thinking about the same options and make my own decisions. there is a high rate of cancer in our family and i've always wondered if i were to get it, what kind would it be? as of now, i can say that i'd lop off the girls, remove the flower that produced my lovely and amazing kids and start the process of beginning my life reconstructed. i'd have the most amazing boobs money could buy! and i'd have a new lease on life.

in the mean time, i try to remember that i have this one disease to deal with for now, and managing that is enough. i find inspiration all around me. my wonderful husband, my amazing kids, the women at mcgee, my lovely friend charis, my parents, my grandparents who have passed, and from my new friend eva who has taught me that from her words written long before i read them that i can sustain and learn from a friendship that has been created by a bond unknown to her but appreciated by me who is still here reading her words. so today i raise my coffee cup to eva! i grab a love handle and shake my cellulite for eva! i revel in my cheesecake and pumpkin pie little body and use every bit of the energy that has been injected into my veins for eva!

leo

cuddle and slumber, breath in warmth,
every beat i hear of your little heart.
softly holding my face so close,
we nearly touch nose to nose.
your sweet little body tucked in safely,
patiently waiting until you can play with me.
i give in to your little fight,
and decide to say goodbye to night.
we stumble through our morning,
but eventually get going.
our day together has begun,
and to another beautiful day my son.

pondering my romance (again)...

every morning my husband leaves before the sun is shining, before the world has woken from slumber. but before he leaves i get a kiss on the forehead.

and this is what i think:


Moist soft touch,
When you’re gone it’s cold and you’re missed,
I want to leave it so I cup my hand to hold on to it,
As it dries I reminisce,
Oh how I love your kiss.

thank you - thank you - thank you!!!

after several months of creating many dolls, the woman who birthed the dolly donation drive that i'm infatuated with has tipped her hat! she is such an inspiration and an amazingly talented artist and i'm overwhelmingly happy that she has entrusted me to pursue her idea and share it with my corner of the world. so thank YOU sarah hanson for your idea and for your support! BIG BIG HUGS!!!

what a lovely compliment it was to receive this post:

http://dollydonations.blogspot.com/2010/11/your-doll-drives-jenns-250-dolls-for.html

it's that time again!

if you're shuckin', you can get creative and repurpose your waste by making corn husk dolls. google it or watch one of these videos:

http://www.google.com/#hl=en&expIds=17050,25657,26486,26488,26492,26498,26504,27028,27404,27601&sugexp=ldymls&xhr=t&q=corn+husk+dolls&cp=0&pf=p&sclient=psy&tbs=vid:1&aq=0&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=&pbx=1&fp=85d5b3a157de46fd

a level yard is taking shape!

now we need grass! badly!!! i'm hoping the seed takes well in the spring. i really don't want all this dirt dragged into my house, and our two crappy dogs are really good at that! i'm also looking forward to designing the landscape. i've had my eye on some cherry blossoms and dogwoods for a while. the house faces north, so anything in the front yard will have to be hardy for the cold shade. the other three sides will have a bit more flexibility. any ideas?

tiffany mission sconces...

outdoor lighting - every girl wants tiffany!

copy and paste this link into your browser to view them:

http://www.vaxcellightinglights.com/lighting/4-10-859-0-175001/Vaxcel-Lighting_Mission---9--Outdoor-Pendant-OD14696ST.htm

a care bear worthy double rainbow...

what does it mean, man?!

falling with persephone...

rain and clouds and crisp wet air. a gentle breeze blows my hair. soft rolling wisp of earthly flight, brewing winter is my plight. sweetly dancing falling leaves,but oh how i miss the soft buzz of the honey bee's. a crackle, a pop, and a mysterious swivel, a cabin's fire shouldn't fizzle. with warmth tucked away for a long cold slumber, perhaps i'll curl up and hibernate until next summer.

diseases pondered by the diseased...

this amazing young woman was a ferocious warrior. she was a visionary. she was diseased. cystic fibrosis. it's like the crohn's of the lungs. i'm reading every word she wrote, and i'm learning something or many somethings along the way. it's inspiring and sadly relatable in many ways. chronic illness bears unforgiving and familiar traits. i can't believe she is gone. i'm thankful that her words are still here and i hope that they always will be. i would say that everyone should read this, but i'm not sure everyone will feel what i feel so i'll just suggest that there is a lot to be understood about the focal point of a young woman slowly losing her life yet trying desperately to put on a smile and dig her nails into each and every day.

i'm on the 65 red roses journey. will you join me?

http://65redroses.livejournal.com/

our bedroom light (yes - another drum!)

britt's bedroom light

front door color?

foyer light...

to infinity and beyond!

happy halloween 2010!